Those who can, do. Those who can't be bothered, snark about those who did.

Because my NaNoWriMo novel has reached a point where I would rather pluck out my eyelashes than write another word about those poor characters (born without personalities! so tragic!), I think my time is better served criticizing an ackshual published author (Kresley Cole)'s akshual published work (Demon from the Dark).

Have ya read this one yet?

Now, I love the Immortals After Dark series as much as (more than!) the next gal, and this was no exception. The Lore is fascinating, the writing is great, and I totally dig the humor and the way she writes her female characters' friendships and sisterhood. But, can I just say that after 10 IAD books I'm starting to lose the plot a little bit? Literally.

Part of the problem is that I am a Bear of Little Brain, I admit this. But the other trouble is that there are now 10 books about 10 different couples, all somehow related to one another, sometimes in multiple ways. Reading this latest book was like being plunked down into someone else's family reunion. I found myself thinking "Wait, who are you again?" more than once...Which is off-putting, I'm sure you'll agree, since romance-novel-reading is generally the antithesis of conscious thought. If I wanted to actually THINK about shit, I'd be off interacting with the 3-dimensional people in my life. Amen.

More than that, there are 9 books of back-story preceding this book. I vaguely remember that there was some mention of a big war coming. And that's about all I remember. So, while I don't usually like it when an author goes into too much detail in re-telling what happened in the earlier books, I also think she could've gone just a skosh more review than she did. It was hard to put this one in context.

Now, all that picky-picky stuff aside, the book was good. I liked the female protagonist, I enjoyed the trust/loyalty relationship-challenge, and I thought that everyone (with the exception of the little girl, who was way too perky and unaffected after just losing her mother) had very believable, in-character reactions to their situations. Plus, holy sex scenes. The heat from my blushing cheeks could have warmed the whole house.

I'd say this one's definitely worth the read (especially since it's probably already on your TBR pile, if you haven't gotten to it already), if for no other reason than because this sets up Book 11 (Dreams of a Dark Warrior - due in February 2011), and the plot for Book 11 looks AMAZING! See?

From #1 New York Times bestseller Kresley Cole comes this gripping tale of a battle-maddenend warrior driven by revenge and the Valkyrie temptress who haunts his dreams.

He vowed he'd come for her. . .

Murdered before he could wed Regin the Radiant, warlord Aidan the Fierce seeks his beloved through eternity, reborn again and again into new identities, yet with no memory of his past lives—only an endless yearning.

She awaits his return. . .

When Regin encounters Declan Chase, a brutal Celtic soldier, she recognizes her proud warlord reincarnated. But Declan takes her captive, intending retribution against all immortals, unaware that he belongs to their world.

To sate a desire more powerful than death. . .

Yet every reincarnation comes with a price, for Aidan is doomed to die when he remembers his past. To save herself from Declan's torments, will Regin rekindle memories of the passion they once shared—even if it means once again losing the only man she could ever love?

Oooooh! Intriiiiiguing.

Grade: B+ (Worth the read, but don't pay full price)

Not it!

(stolen from arghink, who stole it from lolcats)

Words of wisdom from @FakeNaNoWriMoTips:

• Remember: 'The Cat in the Hat' could be 50,000 words if you use enough adjectives to describe the hat.

• Emoticons do not count as words until midnight November 29.

• "Said" is a boring and short word. Use synonyms, such as "communicated," "pronounced" or "broke silenced."

• Falling behind? Try the cut-up method: shank any motherfucker who pulls ahead of you in word count. Cervantes wrote Don Quixote in prison.

• If the need for sleep is hurting your daily word count, hop on your CB radio and ask truckers where to get the good speed.

4000 words.

Get into the groove....You know, like that Madonna song? Except NOT, because I really don't like Madonna's music, except for Ray of Light, and anyway, I was talking about a writing groove.

I thought these were an urban myth or, like multiple orgasms, something I'm just not hard-wired to experience, but IT HAPPENED! I sat down to write, and looked up a minute later, all disoriented, and said "Lunch time already?" and realized I'd been sitting all hunched over in one position for almost 2 hours. It was transcendant! As in, my pride at writing 800 words without pause transcended the pain of the horrible muscle cramps in my shoulders and neck.

:)


Of course, that was this morning. Many hours and a not-nearly-proportionate number of words have passed since then. Still...

So, 4,000 words. Not quite half of what I should have now, but twice as many as I had this morning and approximately 4000 times as many as I had this time last week. File under: Small victories.

Also, best-friend-ever-in-the-history-of-ever, can I tell you how much I love you and all these awesome links you sent me? Especially the ones along the lines of "4000 words of shit, but by God I wrote them." Those really resonate with me.

Can't think why.

WRITE MOAR.

Seriously, UNFRIEND HIM. Or at least hide his updates. He's not even your ex, why in the world do you torture yourself like this?!

Went back through the Genius of Crusie, and here be ideas for unsticking yourself:

Soundtracks. Maybe go with all 90s music to put you back in the head space of teenagerhood? Also, maybe you should listen all day so that your brain can simmer until writing time. HaHA! Mix tapes! I will make you mix tapes! I am good at procrastination.

Read Bird by Bird and Courage to Write. Especially Courage to Write. Neither one is available on Paperback Swap, but I am undaunted and still searching. Courage to Write is partly available on Google Books though.

Maybe you should take this in an entirely different direction. Maybe you should spend the month doing Girls in the Basement type things, and they will be your word count. This is how La Crusie writes. Maybe it will work for you, maybe it won't, but maybe it will keep you from beating yourself up so much. Ideas to let the Girls in the Basement out:

• Collage. Dude, I will be ALL OVER Arts and Crafts Fun Timez. I love a good time with glue sticks.

• You don't have to have an anal outline, but maybe you've gotten to the point in your process that you're looking for more direction. Maybe turning points will give you a general outline? She describes them as: "So it’s Act One, big surprise/turning point: Act Two bigger surprise/point of no return; Act Three, humongous surprise, trip to hell; Act Four." More detail here.

• Character development: Answer these questions. Answers from La Crusie for one of her characters. (for realsies, at one point I printed that entry out and stuck it to my craft inspiration board because it sparked ideas for stuff I wanted to make.)

Writing styles issues. Maybe this way of doing things isn't working for you. Or maybe you are just having Doubts. I am telling you, La Crusie can do doubts like no one's business:

"I did 2358 words. They’re lousy words, but by God I wrote them."

"This is when I always have grave doubts about the whole writing thing, especially my writing. Seriously, this is lousy, lousy prose, but it’s always lousy in the beginning until I find the rhythm and the characters, until the words start to bounce. So tomorrow I’ll do better."

"That 2000 word a night thing does not work if the words aren’t in your brain. I reread those 2000+ words from last night. They stink on ice."

"I did another 1000 words. Yes, I know I’m behind. I told you I hate this... Some of us were just not born linear. Which is why we collaborate with people who were... I swear, it feels as though this story is lurking just out of reach of my frontal lobe. I know it’s out there, I can see it moving around in the darkness, and yet . . ."

In conclusion, more things to read NOW please.

Destination: Procrastination

So.... so, so, so, so... Here it is Sunday, the 7th full day of November and the 7th day of NaNoWriMo. The whole novel-writing caper has been fraught with revelations. Let's review what I've learned so far:
1) It's very, very hard for me to write dialogue.
2) Writing with only the barest sketch of an idea about what might happen and how my characters might develop, flying by the seat of my pants and just "seeing what happens," might sound like a cathartic exercise and rip-roaring good fun, but in reality it sucks huge donkey balls and I can't image how I could have better set myself up to fail. Having a pre-defined plot and, ohIdunno, characters, might actually be a useful thing. Who knew?
3) That whole procrastination-thing that I thought I outgrew back in the late-90s? Yeah, not so much with the outgrowing.

I am behind. Oh, so severely behind. I know, it's shocking. I fell off the wagon last Wednesday, saying things to myself like "I'll catch up at the weekend! I'll spend the whoooole day Sunday writing!" And it might have worked, if I had only missed Wednesday. But then I missed most of Thursday, too, since Kate was sick Thursday night. And still, I thought, "Well, if I just spend all Friday night and all Saturday night writing, too, I can still catch up." But I didn't. And here I am. The NaNo wagon has triumphantly galloped into day 7, but I'm being dragged along by the ankle, somewhere far behind.

People are Facebooking about how they're using their "extra hour" from daylight savings time to push further ahead on their novels. People are posting 5-digit word counts. *I* am here writing a blog post (even though it is SO Jenn's turn to post), and thinking that a warm apple crisp might be welcome this afternoon... if I can get through the next 5,000 words by then. But, first, perhaps another cup of coffee...


(Note: coffee does not come under the heading of procrastination, but rather "adequate preparation." You wouldn't climb Everest without a sherpa, and I can't write without coffee. Amen.)

My novel can't be worse than this.

So, purely in a NaNoWriMo research-y capacity, I've read many, many novels recently. And each time, I've thought "Well, jeepers, I should blog about that."

And it's the thought that counts, so I should get at least partial credit.

The problem, really, is that most of them were pretty good. And, as you know, there's not much to say about a solid B+ romance novel -- they're a dime a dozen, low-hanging fruit, etc. It's the REALLY REALLY awful ones that stand out. And I have just such a one to tell you of today, my dove.





The title, Mr. and Mrs. Fitzwilliam Darcy: Two Shall Become One, should really have been my first clue. They say you can't judge a book by it's cover... But, in this case the overwrought language in the title of this Pride and Prejudice "continuation" is just a little sample of the smorgasbord of bad taste that lies within.

Now, admittedly, Jane Austen is a hard act to follow. And, although I would have told you that I was predisposed to like the book, it's also true that Darcy is exactly perfect the way he is, TYVM, and I don't want some 21st-century "author" to come along and castrate the poor lad by getting him in touch with his feelings and making him drip with love. (I prefer that he be dripping with water. From the pond. At Pemberley. Amen.) Fan fiction isn't required to be as well-written as the original, and there's lots of leeway with plots and whatnot. But if you're going to give my FAVORITE characters OF ALL TIME some crazy new story lines, and fill their mouths with tragically overwrought, stilted dialogue, AT LEAST the characters themselves -- their personalities, quirks, motivations, the whole 10 yards -- HAVE to be untouchable. Otherwise, the piece you're writing isn't a novel continuation or fan fiction. It's... it's... a travesty! A mockery! A hideous literary chimera!

Sadly, our friend Sharon didn't get the memo. She called Darcy... and it hurts me to repeat this... "impish." I know, I know. Calm yourself, there's more. In one place, in order to get nearer to Elizabeth, he "scoots his chair," when we know that the REAL Darcy would never lower himself to "scoot." Also, Elizabeth? HAR. LOT. Apparently someone took her to see his etchings, or she's been reading one of those books in her father's library, because girlfriend is ALL KINDS of knowledgeable. She gives him "a sly look from under her lashes and a firm squeeze to his knee." And it makes him blush! On their wedding night, she announces that she's going to her dressing room to change and he chokes on his wine. And there "were times when her mind could not focus on any topic except the intimate relationship between a man and a woman."

And then there's the language. "My amazing William, she thought. How perfect he is, and how I love him." (gag) "Oh, Elizabeth, I am positive that it would be impossible for you to disappoint me in any situation." (retch) "Oh, William, it is all so very wonderful... you have gone to so much trouble for me, and I do so appreciate it." (vomit).

And, honey, his name is FITZWilliam. 'Member? From the wedding vows? Sheesh.

I wondered, at first, how this writer could have lost the plot (and the characters!) so completely. Is English not her native language? (I'd judge her dialogue much less harshly if she were born and raised in Outer Mongolia.) Does she enjoy playing extreme sports without a helmet? (I can make allowances for brain injuries.) So, I went back and read the preface. The author has never read Pride and Prejudice. Again: Never. Read. The. Book. Nor has she ever seen the (only acceptable version of the) movie with Colin Firth. No, she based this entire piece of excrement on... the Kiera Freakin Knightly version. The AMERICAN ENDING one, with the "Mrs. Darcy, Mrs. Darcy, Mrs. Darcy." (shudder) Unfortunately, I'm afraid I can't make any allowances for willful ignorance... but, at least one mystery's solved.

Another, greater mystery is how this thing got 4+ stars, and is highly recommended on both Barnes and Noble and amazon.com! 48 people read this thing and gave it a solid review? And... do those people get to vote in the election today? I'm hoping the 48 are all her Facebook friends, and not an indication that America has taken leave of its senses.

RATING: G for Ghastly.

I done gone an' did it.

So... after much thought and angst and self-mockery I DID it. Signed myself up for NaNoWriMo, that is. Popped my novel-writing cherry.

Ironically, at this time yesterday, I'd convinced myself that I absolutely couldn't do it, for a whole variety of valid reasons, such as:
a) Fear of permanent debilitating bum injury from sitting in my craptastic desk chair for 50 bajillion hours. (Don't laugh. Millions of Americans suffer from chronic pain in the ass each year.)
b) Fear that everyone will learn that I can't write for shit, and my carefully crafted pretense of being able to write (for shit) will be EXPOSED.
c) Fear that Steven King may review my novel and tell me that my plot is weak and I use too many adverbs that end in -ly. (Stranger things, etc.)
d) Fear that I have nothing to say.
e) Fear that I won't be able to get into a rhythm because freakin' Pandora will keep throwing shit Air Supply songs into my Muse mix. WTF?

Sadly, d) and e) are not irrational fears.