And it's the thought that counts, so I should get at least partial credit.
The problem, really, is that most of them were pretty good. And, as you know, there's not much to say about a solid B+ romance novel -- they're a dime a dozen, low-hanging fruit, etc. It's the REALLY REALLY awful ones that stand out. And I have just such a one to tell you of today, my dove.
The title, Mr. and Mrs. Fitzwilliam Darcy: Two Shall Become One, should really have been my first clue. They say you can't judge a book by it's cover... But, in this case the overwrought language in the title of this Pride and Prejudice "continuation" is just a little sample of the smorgasbord of bad taste that lies within.
Now, admittedly, Jane Austen is a hard act to follow. And, although I would have told you that I was predisposed to like the book, it's also true that Darcy is exactly perfect the way he is, TYVM, and I don't want some 21st-century "author" to come along and castrate the poor lad by getting him in touch with his feelings and making him drip with love. (I prefer that he be dripping with water. From the pond. At Pemberley. Amen.) Fan fiction isn't required to be as well-written as the original, and there's lots of leeway with plots and whatnot. But if you're going to give my FAVORITE characters OF ALL TIME some crazy new story lines, and fill their mouths with tragically overwrought, stilted dialogue, AT LEAST the characters themselves -- their personalities, quirks, motivations, the whole 10 yards -- HAVE to be untouchable. Otherwise, the piece you're writing isn't a novel continuation or fan fiction. It's... it's... a travesty! A mockery! A hideous literary chimera!
Sadly, our friend Sharon didn't get the memo. She called Darcy... and it hurts me to repeat this... "impish." I know, I know. Calm yourself, there's more. In one place, in order to get nearer to Elizabeth, he "scoots his chair," when we know that the REAL Darcy would never lower himself to "scoot." Also, Elizabeth? HAR. LOT. Apparently someone took her to see his etchings, or she's been reading one of those books in her father's library, because girlfriend is ALL KINDS of knowledgeable. She gives him "a sly look from under her lashes and a firm squeeze to his knee." And it makes him blush! On their wedding night, she announces that she's going to her dressing room to change and he chokes on his wine. And there "were times when her mind could not focus on any topic except the intimate relationship between a man and a woman."
And then there's the language. "My amazing William, she thought. How perfect he is, and how I love him." (gag) "Oh, Elizabeth, I am positive that it would be impossible for you to disappoint me in any situation." (retch) "Oh, William, it is all so very wonderful... you have gone to so much trouble for me, and I do so appreciate it." (vomit).
And, honey, his name is FITZWilliam. 'Member? From the wedding vows? Sheesh.
I wondered, at first, how this writer could have lost the plot (and the characters!) so completely. Is English not her native language? (I'd judge her dialogue much less harshly if she were born and raised in Outer Mongolia.) Does she enjoy playing extreme sports without a helmet? (I can make allowances for brain injuries.) So, I went back and read the preface. The author has never read Pride and Prejudice. Again: Never. Read. The. Book. Nor has she ever seen the (only acceptable version of the) movie with Colin Firth. No, she based this entire piece of excrement on... the Kiera Freakin Knightly version. The AMERICAN ENDING one, with the "Mrs. Darcy, Mrs. Darcy, Mrs. Darcy." (shudder) Unfortunately, I'm afraid I can't make any allowances for willful ignorance... but, at least one mystery's solved.
Another, greater mystery is how this thing got 4+ stars, and is highly recommended on both Barnes and Noble and amazon.com! 48 people read this thing and gave it a solid review? And... do those people get to vote in the election today? I'm hoping the 48 are all her Facebook friends, and not an indication that America has taken leave of its senses.
RATING: G for Ghastly.
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