So.... so, so, so, so... Here it is Sunday, the 7th full day of November and the 7th day of NaNoWriMo. The whole novel-writing caper has been fraught with revelations. Let's review what I've learned so far:
1) It's very, very hard for me to write dialogue.
2) Writing with only the barest sketch of an idea about what might happen and how my characters might develop, flying by the seat of my pants and just "seeing what happens," might sound like a cathartic exercise and rip-roaring good fun, but in reality it sucks huge donkey balls and I can't image how I could have better set myself up to fail. Having a pre-defined plot and, ohIdunno, characters, might actually be a useful thing. Who knew?
3) That whole procrastination-thing that I thought I outgrew back in the late-90s? Yeah, not so much with the outgrowing.
I am behind. Oh, so severely behind. I know, it's shocking. I fell off the wagon last Wednesday, saying things to myself like "I'll catch up at the weekend! I'll spend the whoooole day Sunday writing!" And it might have worked, if I had only missed Wednesday. But then I missed most of Thursday, too, since Kate was sick Thursday night. And still, I thought, "Well, if I just spend all Friday night and all Saturday night writing, too, I can still catch up." But I didn't. And here I am. The NaNo wagon has triumphantly galloped into day 7, but I'm being dragged along by the ankle, somewhere far behind.
People are Facebooking about how they're using their "extra hour" from daylight savings time to push further ahead on their novels. People are posting 5-digit word counts. *I* am here writing a blog post (even though it is SO Jenn's turn to post), and thinking that a warm apple crisp might be welcome this afternoon... if I can get through the next 5,000 words by then. But, first, perhaps another cup of coffee...
(Note: coffee does not come under the heading of procrastination, but rather "adequate preparation." You wouldn't climb Everest without a sherpa, and I can't write without coffee. Amen.)
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Monday, November 1, 2010
My novel can't be worse than this.
So, purely in a NaNoWriMo research-y capacity, I've read many, many novels recently. And each time, I've thought "Well, jeepers, I should blog about that."
And it's the thought that counts, so I should get at least partial credit.
The problem, really, is that most of them were pretty good. And, as you know, there's not much to say about a solid B+ romance novel -- they're a dime a dozen, low-hanging fruit, etc. It's the REALLY REALLY awful ones that stand out. And I have just such a one to tell you of today, my dove.
The title, Mr. and Mrs. Fitzwilliam Darcy: Two Shall Become One, should really have been my first clue. They say you can't judge a book by it's cover... But, in this case the overwrought language in the title of this Pride and Prejudice "continuation" is just a little sample of the smorgasbord of bad taste that lies within.
Now, admittedly, Jane Austen is a hard act to follow. And, although I would have told you that I was predisposed to like the book, it's also true that Darcy is exactly perfect the way he is, TYVM, and I don't want some 21st-century "author" to come along and castrate the poor lad by getting him in touch with his feelings and making him drip with love. (I prefer that he be dripping with water. From the pond. At Pemberley. Amen.) Fan fiction isn't required to be as well-written as the original, and there's lots of leeway with plots and whatnot. But if you're going to give my FAVORITE characters OF ALL TIME some crazy new story lines, and fill their mouths with tragically overwrought, stilted dialogue, AT LEAST the characters themselves -- their personalities, quirks, motivations, the whole 10 yards -- HAVE to be untouchable. Otherwise, the piece you're writing isn't a novel continuation or fan fiction. It's... it's... a travesty! A mockery! A hideous literary chimera!
Sadly, our friend Sharon didn't get the memo. She called Darcy... and it hurts me to repeat this... "impish." I know, I know. Calm yourself, there's more. In one place, in order to get nearer to Elizabeth, he "scoots his chair," when we know that the REAL Darcy would never lower himself to "scoot." Also, Elizabeth? HAR. LOT. Apparently someone took her to see his etchings, or she's been reading one of those books in her father's library, because girlfriend is ALL KINDS of knowledgeable. She gives him "a sly look from under her lashes and a firm squeeze to his knee." And it makes him blush! On their wedding night, she announces that she's going to her dressing room to change and he chokes on his wine. And there "were times when her mind could not focus on any topic except the intimate relationship between a man and a woman."
And then there's the language. "My amazing William, she thought. How perfect he is, and how I love him." (gag) "Oh, Elizabeth, I am positive that it would be impossible for you to disappoint me in any situation." (retch) "Oh, William, it is all so very wonderful... you have gone to so much trouble for me, and I do so appreciate it." (vomit).
And, honey, his name is FITZWilliam. 'Member? From the wedding vows? Sheesh.
I wondered, at first, how this writer could have lost the plot (and the characters!) so completely. Is English not her native language? (I'd judge her dialogue much less harshly if she were born and raised in Outer Mongolia.) Does she enjoy playing extreme sports without a helmet? (I can make allowances for brain injuries.) So, I went back and read the preface. The author has never read Pride and Prejudice. Again: Never. Read. The. Book. Nor has she ever seen the (only acceptable version of the) movie with Colin Firth. No, she based this entire piece of excrement on... the Kiera Freakin Knightly version. The AMERICAN ENDING one, with the "Mrs. Darcy, Mrs. Darcy, Mrs. Darcy." (shudder) Unfortunately, I'm afraid I can't make any allowances for willful ignorance... but, at least one mystery's solved.
Another, greater mystery is how this thing got 4+ stars, and is highly recommended on both Barnes and Noble and amazon.com! 48 people read this thing and gave it a solid review? And... do those people get to vote in the election today? I'm hoping the 48 are all her Facebook friends, and not an indication that America has taken leave of its senses.
RATING: G for Ghastly.
And it's the thought that counts, so I should get at least partial credit.
The problem, really, is that most of them were pretty good. And, as you know, there's not much to say about a solid B+ romance novel -- they're a dime a dozen, low-hanging fruit, etc. It's the REALLY REALLY awful ones that stand out. And I have just such a one to tell you of today, my dove.
The title, Mr. and Mrs. Fitzwilliam Darcy: Two Shall Become One, should really have been my first clue. They say you can't judge a book by it's cover... But, in this case the overwrought language in the title of this Pride and Prejudice "continuation" is just a little sample of the smorgasbord of bad taste that lies within.
Now, admittedly, Jane Austen is a hard act to follow. And, although I would have told you that I was predisposed to like the book, it's also true that Darcy is exactly perfect the way he is, TYVM, and I don't want some 21st-century "author" to come along and castrate the poor lad by getting him in touch with his feelings and making him drip with love. (I prefer that he be dripping with water. From the pond. At Pemberley. Amen.) Fan fiction isn't required to be as well-written as the original, and there's lots of leeway with plots and whatnot. But if you're going to give my FAVORITE characters OF ALL TIME some crazy new story lines, and fill their mouths with tragically overwrought, stilted dialogue, AT LEAST the characters themselves -- their personalities, quirks, motivations, the whole 10 yards -- HAVE to be untouchable. Otherwise, the piece you're writing isn't a novel continuation or fan fiction. It's... it's... a travesty! A mockery! A hideous literary chimera!
Sadly, our friend Sharon didn't get the memo. She called Darcy... and it hurts me to repeat this... "impish." I know, I know. Calm yourself, there's more. In one place, in order to get nearer to Elizabeth, he "scoots his chair," when we know that the REAL Darcy would never lower himself to "scoot." Also, Elizabeth? HAR. LOT. Apparently someone took her to see his etchings, or she's been reading one of those books in her father's library, because girlfriend is ALL KINDS of knowledgeable. She gives him "a sly look from under her lashes and a firm squeeze to his knee." And it makes him blush! On their wedding night, she announces that she's going to her dressing room to change and he chokes on his wine. And there "were times when her mind could not focus on any topic except the intimate relationship between a man and a woman."
And then there's the language. "My amazing William, she thought. How perfect he is, and how I love him." (gag) "Oh, Elizabeth, I am positive that it would be impossible for you to disappoint me in any situation." (retch) "Oh, William, it is all so very wonderful... you have gone to so much trouble for me, and I do so appreciate it." (vomit).
And, honey, his name is FITZWilliam. 'Member? From the wedding vows? Sheesh.
I wondered, at first, how this writer could have lost the plot (and the characters!) so completely. Is English not her native language? (I'd judge her dialogue much less harshly if she were born and raised in Outer Mongolia.) Does she enjoy playing extreme sports without a helmet? (I can make allowances for brain injuries.) So, I went back and read the preface. The author has never read Pride and Prejudice. Again: Never. Read. The. Book. Nor has she ever seen the (only acceptable version of the) movie with Colin Firth. No, she based this entire piece of excrement on... the Kiera Freakin Knightly version. The AMERICAN ENDING one, with the "Mrs. Darcy, Mrs. Darcy, Mrs. Darcy." (shudder) Unfortunately, I'm afraid I can't make any allowances for willful ignorance... but, at least one mystery's solved.
Another, greater mystery is how this thing got 4+ stars, and is highly recommended on both Barnes and Noble and amazon.com! 48 people read this thing and gave it a solid review? And... do those people get to vote in the election today? I'm hoping the 48 are all her Facebook friends, and not an indication that America has taken leave of its senses.
RATING: G for Ghastly.
I done gone an' did it.
So... after much thought and angst and self-mockery I DID it. Signed myself up for NaNoWriMo, that is. Popped my novel-writing cherry.
Ironically, at this time yesterday, I'd convinced myself that I absolutely couldn't do it, for a whole variety of valid reasons, such as:
a) Fear of permanent debilitating bum injury from sitting in my craptastic desk chair for 50 bajillion hours. (Don't laugh. Millions of Americans suffer from chronic pain in the ass each year.)
b) Fear that everyone will learn that I can't write for shit, and my carefully crafted pretense of being able to write (for shit) will be EXPOSED.
c) Fear that Steven King may review my novel and tell me that my plot is weak and I use too many adverbs that end in -ly. (Stranger things, etc.)
d) Fear that I have nothing to say.
e) Fear that I won't be able to get into a rhythm because freakin' Pandora will keep throwing shit Air Supply songs into my Muse mix. WTF?
Sadly, d) and e) are not irrational fears.
Ironically, at this time yesterday, I'd convinced myself that I absolutely couldn't do it, for a whole variety of valid reasons, such as:
a) Fear of permanent debilitating bum injury from sitting in my craptastic desk chair for 50 bajillion hours. (Don't laugh. Millions of Americans suffer from chronic pain in the ass each year.)
b) Fear that everyone will learn that I can't write for shit, and my carefully crafted pretense of being able to write (for shit) will be EXPOSED.
c) Fear that Steven King may review my novel and tell me that my plot is weak and I use too many adverbs that end in -ly. (Stranger things, etc.)
d) Fear that I have nothing to say.
e) Fear that I won't be able to get into a rhythm because freakin' Pandora will keep throwing shit Air Supply songs into my Muse mix. WTF?
Sadly, d) and e) are not irrational fears.
Monday, October 4, 2010
NaNoWriMo, she approaches... and may kill us all.
Here's a whole bunch of linkies to make it easier:
Regency:
Paranormal:
Lastly, an OMGEVERYTHING generator (though it is a little fantasy/anime slanted).
If you're not writing a romance, have a shit salad, pal. Wrong blog.*
(*apparently one gets a little feisty of an evening if one's hot cocoa has been allowed to become lukewarm. The management humbly apologizes).
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